f.y.i.

the following is a list of the items currently banned in carry-on luggage by the transportation security administration:

box cutters, ice axes/ice picks, knives, meat cleavers, razor-type blades, sabers, swords, baseball bats, bows and arrows, cricket bats, golf clubs, hockey sticks, lacrosse sticks, pool cues, ski poles, spear guns, ammunition, bb guns, compressed air guns, firearms, flare guns, flares, gun lighters, gun powder, parts of guns and firearms, pellet guns, realistic replicas of firearms, starter pistols, axes and hatchets, cattle prods, crowbars, hammers, drills and drill bits, saws, tools larger than 7 inches, billy clubs, black jacks, brass knuckles, kubatons, mace/pepper spray, martial arts weapons, night sticks, nunchakus, stun guns/shocking devices, throwing stars, blasting caps, dynamite, fireworks, flares, hand grenades, plastic explosives, realistic replicas of explosives, aerosol, fuels, gasoline, gas torches, lighter fluid, torch lighters, strike-anywhere matches, flammable paints, turpentine and paint thinner, realistic replicas of incendiaries, chlorine for pools and spas, fire extinguishers and other compressed gas cylinders, liquid bleach, spillable batteries, spray paint, tear gas, beverages in containers larger than 3 oz., gel-type candles, gel shoe inserts, flammable liquid/gel/aerosol paint, and finally, snow globes and similar decorations.

it goes without saying that i'm pretty disappointed that i have to leave my brass knuckles and meat cleaver behind.

"In three words, I can sum up everything that I've learned about life: It goes on."

-Robert Frost

excellent morning-after reasons against drinking excessively

1. walks of shame.
2. driving should really not be attempted - especially turning (if you value your life).
3. operating simple machines causes general hysteria and ends in failure.
4. just because you can down a ton of booze the night before doesn't mean that your digestive system is equipped to handle it the next morning (or all day, even).
5. when the HELL did you write all of those text messages, and what language are they written in?
6. difficulty performing basic human functions (i.e. - standing up, walking, speaking coherently).
7. continuing a trend of poor life decisions from the night before (for example, passing out on your sleeping bag and pillow while waiting for your train and/or drinking a wild cherry flavored capri sun after having a gross amount of strawberry margaritas 6 hours earlier).

instant pleasure

i dont want somebody to love me, just give me sex whenever i want it.

-rufus wainwright.


i just ate an entire carton of ice cream.

why don't we have...

...a facebook "enemies" category? there's friends, mutual friends, people you might know, top friends, etc. facebook should let us acknowledge people that we despise - whether you wear your hatred on your sleeve or bottle it up to the point of spontaneous combustion. it's a little passive aggressive - but if we can be "friends" with people we've never even met before, then i think we should also have the right to recognize our sworn enemies via social networking.

(brilliant.)

legitimate threats to inner peace and tranquility

1. dirty bathrooms.
2. never knowing whether the hand towel in said bathroom is actually clean; or, if the towel one uses to dry one's face has been used by someone else, or sat germinating on the floor before being hung back up.
3. sisters who snore.
4. working in retail.
5. employment in general.
6. mentally unstable mothers.
7. the general stupidity and/or hypocrisy of friends, acquaintances, or even complete strangers.
8. menstruating.

food for thought:

the technical difficulty in operating various kinds of boxes. shoe boxes, pizza boxes, donut boxes, the wierd flaps on boxes for various kitchen appliances...all are designed to make you feel intellectually inferior to cardboard in various geometric forms. think about it - you think closing up the box after checking your shoe size (or getting a slice of pizza, or grabbing a donut, or making sure all the parts are in the box for your vegetable steamer) and the flaps just WILL NOT operate correctly. no matter how many times you pull the lid down, you can't figure out why it doesn't work out. after several minutes of agonizing over this, you give up, leave the box halfway open, and feel like an utter failure because you couldn't figure out the mechanics of a box.

WARNING

you too could be in danger of becoming a monkey spanking wanker. signs and symptoms include but are not limited too:

1) straightening your bangs every morning/ having an obsession with crest whitening strips
2) overusage of the term BAMF
3)confiscating someone elses 8 sided wooden enclosure of peace and turning into your ultra cool hangout
4) too obsessed with the idea of having memories to actually create them
5)utter disillusionment with reality